When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
