why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
