1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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