Please, let me fuck your mom
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
