Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
