i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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