i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
