I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
