At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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