I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Randomize
