Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
