I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
