i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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