Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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