I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
