my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
