he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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