I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
