roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
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The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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