I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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