On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
