New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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