Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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