The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
