Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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