I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
