oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
