My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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