Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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