Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize