I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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