I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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