Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
