True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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