I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
