She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
