I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
