Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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