we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
