Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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