Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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