I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize