I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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