Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
