She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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