hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
