I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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