I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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