I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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