My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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