i already hear my dad disowning me
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
