My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
