I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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