I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
