Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
