She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I love you. Go after that dick
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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